My big realization
I’ve been struggling since the conference I coordinated concluded. Shouldn’t it feel great to complete a task? And shouldn’t it feel even better knowing that no one has ever done it as well? Nope, I’m not left with warm fuzzies after this one. After weeks of over-analyzing my work, and my feelings, I’ve come to the realization that I’m just not satisfied unless my boss is super impressed with me. I’ve been looking for him to laud me with enthusiasm. I thought success on this project would lead to challenging new projects and inclusion on problem solving for tough organizational issues. Instead, I’ve been cast aside to toil over subordinate issues that a janitor could solve. (Sorry janitors, but let’s be honest, there aren’t many Good Will Huntings out there.)
My mind has been churning over the concern of why I’m in this predicament. And sadly, the answer is so clear, but I just haven’t wanted to wrestle with it. I’m pregnant. Give me a moment to explain. The months leading up to the conference were some of the most challenging of my professional career. I juggled several tasks and projects from my boss and he poured more on knowing that I could handle it. What he didn’t know was that I had a threatened pregnancy and daily, dealt with the possibility of losing the baby. I couldn’t escape and turn to my normal exercise routine because I was restricted from activity. I couldn’t turn to my husband for comfort because he was working 90 ish hours a week. (Not that he wasn’t there for me whenever I called him, but how would crying to him every few hours have helped?) So I did what I do best; cloud my mind by filling up my work calendar with any task I could get my hands. The only comfort I found was in spending time with my beautiful daughter. (I could write a novel on how amazing she is and how blessed I am that I get to be her mother.)
No one at work knew what I was going through. And I kept the pregnancy a secret from my boss until the day before we left for the conference. At 15 weeks I was unmistakably showing and would no doubt be questioned by those who knew me best. And the best reason for finally coming clean was that the possibility of miscarriage had dramatically dropped. After coming clean I thought the relief would wash over me like the warm rays in sunny Florida, a beautiful setting for our conference. But just like the unseasonable weather when we arrived, I was shocked by how cold my boss was to me. Like a switch had been flipped and I was no longer his go-to-gal for tough dilemmas. The faith he had in me vanished and he began to question every decision. I blocked it out and until colleagues started asking me if I were ok dealing with his constant questioning and adverse attitude to my decisions. I pushed through it like a good event-planning soldier. There are two things that matter in event planning; 1) what’s the experience like for the attendee and 2) are my staff members on their game? I saw smile after smile on the attendees faces. And the survey results reflected their delight with raves about this being the best conference for the company they have ever been to.
What I should have done was taken all the upbeat, positive reviews to fuel the end of conference work. Instead, I just crumbled. Exhaustion from being pregnant and running around for 16 hours a day slammed into me. I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep for a month. It's taken quite a while for me to really accept that maybe I've been expecting too much from myself and from others. I didn't expect that work wouldn't feel as rewarding. I didn't expect that my colleages would treat me differently. I expected that I could handle everything and excute just as well as I have in the past. Having time to think through these things has given me some answers, like stop expecting so much from myself. But I know I have a pretty tough decision ahead of me. It's time to find the balance, or identify that I just can't make being a career woman and a super mom work.
