I think the only time my mind isn’t racing is when my body is. Every waking hour my mind is a turbulent whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, anxieties. They all spin around and I worry constantly whether or not things will fall in place or if I’ve done the right thing. I have second thoughts, sometimes third thoughts about actions I've taken, or comments I made. It’s the way I’ve always been. And there is one sure fire way to quiet my mind, it’s exercise.
I used to lose myself through dance, and now that I don’t have that outlet, I run. It’s as if all the energy put into dissecting my every action powers me through miles and distances I didn’t think I could handle. And while I’m running, my mind is so calm. Sure things pop up, but my focus is so strong. The other week I powered through 6.5 miles. I suppose you could say it had been a busy week. When I was finally home, and exhausted, I was able to breathe in calmly, and know things would be alright. Willow’s out of control behavior didn’t get to me. I regained my patience and was able to calm her down.
It's noticable when I haven't taken the time to focus on a workout. I don't know if my husband has figured out the correlation yet, but I think I'm more difficult to deal with if I haven't gone for a run in a few days. I can't communicate without bouncing around to so many different subjects, or I'm just plain mean. I ran yesterday and the day before, and today I feel, as corny as it sounds, so optimistic. I feel like the puppy will calm down someday. I feel that finishing the basement isn't far off. Or maybe a better position at work isn't far off. Hopefully I can keep this feeling up and get through the day ahead.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
My Nana
I called my Nana today. It was out of the blue, but I’m sure she expected to hear from me soon. My father’s mom is quite an incredible woman. She’s a devout catholic who pours all of her energy into everything she does. And she has lung cancer. It breaks my heart. Nearly 4 years ago my Papa passed away from myriad health problems. The one time firefighter struggled for the last few years of his life. My Nana was by his side, every step of the way. Even if she hadn’t been a nurse, she still would have been devoted to caring for him. It saddens me now because she doesn’t have someone to support her through chemo and radiation.
She has six children, and each of them visit her frequently. My aunt, who lives in Florida, has been to CT twice since she was diagnosed. That’s two more times then last year. My uncle, who resides in TX, makes visit near monthly. And I know she considers herself blessed that they want to be there for her.
There are a total of fourteen of us grandchildren. The youngest is four, and while he doesn’t understand what’s going on, he loves to visit her. I kick myself for not visiting more often. I’ve been selfish with my time, and I should spend more of it with her. She’s quite the character after all. She’s charitable with her spirit and gives her time to the church. She’s more then crafty with the clothes she’s created. My Nana loves each of her grandchildren and thinks of us all the time. And she certainly is generous with her opinions. Sometimes I think we get her riled up because when she’s adamant about something she breaths fire. That sort of passion isn’t seen in many these days.
While she may take center stage when she defends something she believes in, she never asks for attention. I think I might have to show her a little more attention though. For weeks I’ve been trying to come up with a charity to raise money for when I run the Fairfield Half-Marathon. Running to support a local cancer foundation just might be a way I can show my support for her.
She has six children, and each of them visit her frequently. My aunt, who lives in Florida, has been to CT twice since she was diagnosed. That’s two more times then last year. My uncle, who resides in TX, makes visit near monthly. And I know she considers herself blessed that they want to be there for her.
There are a total of fourteen of us grandchildren. The youngest is four, and while he doesn’t understand what’s going on, he loves to visit her. I kick myself for not visiting more often. I’ve been selfish with my time, and I should spend more of it with her. She’s quite the character after all. She’s charitable with her spirit and gives her time to the church. She’s more then crafty with the clothes she’s created. My Nana loves each of her grandchildren and thinks of us all the time. And she certainly is generous with her opinions. Sometimes I think we get her riled up because when she’s adamant about something she breaths fire. That sort of passion isn’t seen in many these days.
While she may take center stage when she defends something she believes in, she never asks for attention. I think I might have to show her a little more attention though. For weeks I’ve been trying to come up with a charity to raise money for when I run the Fairfield Half-Marathon. Running to support a local cancer foundation just might be a way I can show my support for her.
Monday, March 16, 2009
SO TIRED! - Friday, March 13
I’m so tired of being cold, so tired of late trains, so tired of missing workouts, so tired of running on a treadmill, so tired of restricting my diet, and most of all I’m so tired of beating myself up for all the things I don’t do in a day.
A pretty common theme in my blogs is how I can’t seem to find enough time to do everything I want to do. The root of the problem is not that I can’t find the time, it’s that I’m not willing to sacrifice my lazy time. Last night I was in the house by 6pm. The dogs were out, and had been fed by 630pm. And dinner was on the table by 645pm. It’s a lot to accomplish in a little bit of time. But I manage. After dinner my husband and I took the dogs for a walk. Usually it’s a quick pace walk, with a lengthy delay at the park so that the dogs can ‘do their thing’. I thought it made a great warm up for another run on the treadmill at the gym. Rather then work out, Joe and I did some weight training for upper body while we watched TV and stayed home with the dogs. We compromised the gym time for home time, a.k.a. lazy time. The alternative was to head to the gym in the morning.
Guess what? Per the usual, the alarm went off before the sun awoke, and I hit SNOOZE! I changed the time to my normal waking time and just lied there. My husband is the best cuddler on the planet. I try to crawl out of bed, but snuggling him is just so much better then a 630am spin class. A class, by the way, that would have made me late for work. After resetting the time, I just stared at the clock. I watched 10 minutes go by before I dozed off. If I could just push myself for those ten minutes then I could bare suiting up in workout garb and taking the moonlit drive to the gym. That was the third day this week that our ‘plans’ to go to the gym didn’t happen. Joe says “who cares?” It doesn’t bother him that we set the same goal three times and failed miserably. I remember a time when I could get to the gym first thing in the morning. It was when we weren’t married, and I lived at home. I couldn’t snooze the alarm because it would wake everyone up continuously. I had to get up on the first shot. It helped that I didn’t have the temptation of a snuggle bunny lying next to me.
So who cares? Who cares that I work out in the evening instead of the morning? I DO! It’s so important to gain some time at home in the evening. Time to be lazy would be time not to stress. I’m a stress ball in general, but I don’t want to be. I don’t want to stress out about when I’m going to eat dinner because I’ve got to get to the gym. I don’t want to miss out on time with the dogs, and feel bad that they don’t get enough interaction with us. Most importantly, I’d rather spend my waking hours with my hubs, and enjoy his company.
Once again I’m setting a goal to get up and work out in the morning. I plan to start next Monday. There’s nothing I can do about the lack of daylight. There’s nothing I can do about the freezing temperatures. Maybe it’ll even improve the way I eat all day because I’ll have given myself a healthy start for the day. And soon, I may even be able to run outside some of those days. All I know, is if I don’t meet this goal, I’m going to set a back up goal of not beating myself up. I’m going to promote the positive. And maybe I won’t be so tired if I get it out of the way in the morning.
A pretty common theme in my blogs is how I can’t seem to find enough time to do everything I want to do. The root of the problem is not that I can’t find the time, it’s that I’m not willing to sacrifice my lazy time. Last night I was in the house by 6pm. The dogs were out, and had been fed by 630pm. And dinner was on the table by 645pm. It’s a lot to accomplish in a little bit of time. But I manage. After dinner my husband and I took the dogs for a walk. Usually it’s a quick pace walk, with a lengthy delay at the park so that the dogs can ‘do their thing’. I thought it made a great warm up for another run on the treadmill at the gym. Rather then work out, Joe and I did some weight training for upper body while we watched TV and stayed home with the dogs. We compromised the gym time for home time, a.k.a. lazy time. The alternative was to head to the gym in the morning.
Guess what? Per the usual, the alarm went off before the sun awoke, and I hit SNOOZE! I changed the time to my normal waking time and just lied there. My husband is the best cuddler on the planet. I try to crawl out of bed, but snuggling him is just so much better then a 630am spin class. A class, by the way, that would have made me late for work. After resetting the time, I just stared at the clock. I watched 10 minutes go by before I dozed off. If I could just push myself for those ten minutes then I could bare suiting up in workout garb and taking the moonlit drive to the gym. That was the third day this week that our ‘plans’ to go to the gym didn’t happen. Joe says “who cares?” It doesn’t bother him that we set the same goal three times and failed miserably. I remember a time when I could get to the gym first thing in the morning. It was when we weren’t married, and I lived at home. I couldn’t snooze the alarm because it would wake everyone up continuously. I had to get up on the first shot. It helped that I didn’t have the temptation of a snuggle bunny lying next to me.
So who cares? Who cares that I work out in the evening instead of the morning? I DO! It’s so important to gain some time at home in the evening. Time to be lazy would be time not to stress. I’m a stress ball in general, but I don’t want to be. I don’t want to stress out about when I’m going to eat dinner because I’ve got to get to the gym. I don’t want to miss out on time with the dogs, and feel bad that they don’t get enough interaction with us. Most importantly, I’d rather spend my waking hours with my hubs, and enjoy his company.
Once again I’m setting a goal to get up and work out in the morning. I plan to start next Monday. There’s nothing I can do about the lack of daylight. There’s nothing I can do about the freezing temperatures. Maybe it’ll even improve the way I eat all day because I’ll have given myself a healthy start for the day. And soon, I may even be able to run outside some of those days. All I know, is if I don’t meet this goal, I’m going to set a back up goal of not beating myself up. I’m going to promote the positive. And maybe I won’t be so tired if I get it out of the way in the morning.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Hopefully a Typical Saturday
Every weekend I am faced with the same decisions, clean the house, take the dogs for a walk, or go for a run. This weekend, I did it all! I wish this was typical for all of my weekends.
Saturday morning started with an awesome walk with Dakota. While we were met with much cooler temperatures then I anticipated, we made it to the town center. We have a new Dunkin' Donuts in the town center, with a lovely fire hydrant right out front. I wrapped one simple loop of Dakota's leash around the hydrant and darted inside. I was a mere 30 ft away, and it was quite entertaining to see people's faces as they hurried past the lone beast. If I had any worries about him, I would not have left him there. Once I came back outside with my bag of two bagels (one for Joe, one for me) he was bouncing with excitement at the sight of the brown paper bag. I quickly shoved it in my bag, and grabbed a $1 bill from my wallet and darted back inside. How could I forget the munchkins? Before you read any further, you should know that I am aware of quality dog food, and how sweets are not good for dogs. But yes, you guessed it, the munchkins were for Dakota, and Willow. A peace offering in exchange for her having to stay home. We climbed the hill towards home. The sun was out, birds were a flutter, it was motivating.
Once home Joe and I enjoyed a few minutes of quiet time in the dining room, and devised a plan of action for the day. Having him home is such a blessing. He's been working non-stop since the first week of January. Not only was it exhausting for him, I found myself struggling to keep up with the house, and the two dogs. By the time I had the chores done on a typical Saturday, I was too exhausted to go running, or to the gym. Not this weekend. Joe helped me around the house, and by 2pm I was out the door for a run. About 6 minutes into the run, I was tempted to turn back. It felt like 35 degrees with the wind, and I didn't want to push myself. But like every other run I start, once I get into it, I can't let myself stop. By the 4th mile I was satisfied. So satisfied that I bragged about my run for the rest of the day. I stayed under 10 min miles, for the 4 miles, and for the last half mile alternated between sprints and walking. Now that may not be a good thing, but it felt right.
I'm still on target for the half marathon. What may only be 4 to 5 miles now, will surely be 13.1 by the time June 28 rolls around. Who knows, if I keep this up, maybe I can do a marathon someday. For now I'm going to take it one day at a time.
This weekend I'm hoping to head to a sports shop that will fit me for sneakers. The dull ache in my knee tells me it's time for new shoes.
Saturday morning started with an awesome walk with Dakota. While we were met with much cooler temperatures then I anticipated, we made it to the town center. We have a new Dunkin' Donuts in the town center, with a lovely fire hydrant right out front. I wrapped one simple loop of Dakota's leash around the hydrant and darted inside. I was a mere 30 ft away, and it was quite entertaining to see people's faces as they hurried past the lone beast. If I had any worries about him, I would not have left him there. Once I came back outside with my bag of two bagels (one for Joe, one for me) he was bouncing with excitement at the sight of the brown paper bag. I quickly shoved it in my bag, and grabbed a $1 bill from my wallet and darted back inside. How could I forget the munchkins? Before you read any further, you should know that I am aware of quality dog food, and how sweets are not good for dogs. But yes, you guessed it, the munchkins were for Dakota, and Willow. A peace offering in exchange for her having to stay home. We climbed the hill towards home. The sun was out, birds were a flutter, it was motivating.
Once home Joe and I enjoyed a few minutes of quiet time in the dining room, and devised a plan of action for the day. Having him home is such a blessing. He's been working non-stop since the first week of January. Not only was it exhausting for him, I found myself struggling to keep up with the house, and the two dogs. By the time I had the chores done on a typical Saturday, I was too exhausted to go running, or to the gym. Not this weekend. Joe helped me around the house, and by 2pm I was out the door for a run. About 6 minutes into the run, I was tempted to turn back. It felt like 35 degrees with the wind, and I didn't want to push myself. But like every other run I start, once I get into it, I can't let myself stop. By the 4th mile I was satisfied. So satisfied that I bragged about my run for the rest of the day. I stayed under 10 min miles, for the 4 miles, and for the last half mile alternated between sprints and walking. Now that may not be a good thing, but it felt right.
I'm still on target for the half marathon. What may only be 4 to 5 miles now, will surely be 13.1 by the time June 28 rolls around. Who knows, if I keep this up, maybe I can do a marathon someday. For now I'm going to take it one day at a time.
This weekend I'm hoping to head to a sports shop that will fit me for sneakers. The dull ache in my knee tells me it's time for new shoes.
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