Am I Doing it Right?

Why is she still screaming? What can I do to get her to stop slamming things on the ground when she's upset? Is she playing with the iPad too much? Is he still hungry? Does he have colic? Will he be able to nap at daycare if he isn't swaddled? Why am I deserting my children by going back to work? I start my day with questions, and the big guilt cloud just hangs over my head. Am I doing it right? Am I a good parent? And if so, how can I be a good employee when I go back to work? I thought having a second child would erase these doubts. I thought I gained confidence from going back to work once before, but now there are knots in my stomach and I'm physically ill about leaving my kids again. Where did my confidence go?
I love spending time with my kids. I feel like I've gotten to know Izzy so much better during my maternity leave. Yes, she still goes to daycare or grandma's most of the time because I didn't want to shock her schedule when I return to work. But the days that I'm home with her (and Donovan of course) are eye-opening. Izzy hit the terrible twos a while ago. When she's frustrated with something, or trying to assert her independence be on the look out for flying objects and be ready to block your ears from the wailing. Yesterday morning she spent 10 minutes screaming for the iPad that I left downstairs while we went to get dressed. Those minutes felt like an eternity and kicked off a string of questions and self doubt. I hate it when she cries, but I know enough not to give in. So why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong? I took child development courses in college, the books are next to my bed for some "light" reading. I've watched Super Nanny over and over. I participate in online forums discussing discipline. Yet, I still feel like my kid shouldn't be getting so upset when she can't get her baby out of her stroller. After restating, "If you need help, say Momma help please" at least 15 times, I started to see a slight change. I still worry that I'm either too firm, or not firm enough.
Despite her outbursts and my guilt and constant questioning, I still had a fantastic day with my kids. Izzy is at such a fun age where she's discovering new ways to play. I'm digging into my creative side and playing like a kid again. For those moments when we're immersed in a tickle fight, or having a dance party, it's 100% joy. And cooing with Donovan and seeing his beautiful smile and personality develop is amazing. So why am I going back to work? Why am I leaving them, five days a week, to bring in money that we don't need? Yes, if I don't work we will struggle a bit, but it's not impossible. It's an opportunity. But I'm afraid of two things. One that without daycare the kids will not be well-rounded. That somehow I'm not a good enough influence to prepare them for their future schooling. Funny as I type that it I feel like I'm being hard on myself. But where's my confidence to shoot down these doubts and lock them away?
And then, when I do finally go back to work, I can't fathom being able to accomplish all of my tasks and execute them as well as I had in the past. How will I stay on top of things when I'm worried about picking up the kids on time? And how will I dispel the concerns that the kids miss me too much while I'm away. It's distracting me now, and I'm sure it will only get worse once I'm away from them every day. If I had a different job, maybe worked for a company that understood work-life balance, perhaps I'd think differently.
So I'm left with this overwhelming fear that I'm not doing something right. If I stay home with the kids, they'll somehow suffer from lack of social involvement and a tired mommy. But if I go to work, they'll miss me and I won't be able to give them or work the focus they truly deserve. Confidence isn't something I can just decide I have. It's not just being sure of myself and my decisions, it's not fearing failure if I'm wrong. I think I've abused the question mark enough for one post. I know things will be clear with time, but in the interim, I really need to work on my confidence.