Oh, a hiccup, I must be going into labor . . .

The countdown of days begins. I'm nine days away from due date. Like I mentioned in my previous post, the dates just an estimate, so really any day could be The Day. And what I find funny are the possible labor queues that are completely irrational. This morning I felt nauseous and threw up in my mouth a bit. Yesterday I had a ton of energy to get stuff done around the house. Last night I woke up every hour. All very silly, but deeply seeded in my head is that each occurrence, although only slightly different than normal, could be a sign that I'm going into labor. 

It's so funny to read/hear about signs that make women think they're going into labor. Some of them are a little too personal to post about, but here are a few of my favorites:

- Baby's movement has slowed down, he must be resting up for his departure.

- I'm frantically cleaning (or as people in the know refer to it as nesting) and organizing every little shelf in my home. Presumably this happens because once baby's here I'll be far too busy to do it. 

- Wild surges of hormones that make me cry and mutter through sobs about how terrible of a (insert mom, employee, wife here) I am or will be. Not sure how this corresponds to impending labor, for some reason being a little more crazy makes me think that baby should be here soon. Because I need to be less crazy. 

- Overwhelming my 21 month old with cuddles and kisses. I always give her plenty of attention, but lately I can't stop squeezing her or holding her. Part of me thinks that I'm banking all the squeezes I can now because when baby 2 is here I won't have the same amount of time to spend with her. I check on her every night before bed. Lately I find that I'm lingering crib side just watching her sleep. 

So between the screwy antics, and the discomfort of late pregnancy I'm thinking this baby will be here any day. I'm sure I'll eat my words. I'm sure he'll decide it's best to be a mid-August baby and he'll take his time arriving. But I'm certain he'll be here before August 2. And I'm sure the brunt of that is wishful thinking. 

38 weeks

Just like many other pregnant women, my eyes have been glued to the calendar. For several weeks now I have been counting down to the big due date. August 2 is the date that I've highlighted in red circles on every calendar I own. The calendar in my office, that's nearly as large as my white board has DUE DATE emblazoned on August 2 so no one misses it. Now that I’m just 14 days away, my electronic calendars notify me daily that I’m one day closer to “The Big Day.” All this preparation for a day that is just an estimate. I’ve heard all sorts of statistics, 10% give birth on their due date, 50% give birth after, 30% of babies come before their due date. The numbers never seem to add up, but it does add to the fact that the estimated due date should be considered more of a time frame to be on alert than the date you will have your baby.

With my first pregnancy, I was on watch from a week before due date up until 9 days after due date when I was induced. With each passing day I grew more anxious, and more frustrated that my body wasn’t complying with the date issued by the doctor. Going through this a second time, however, has changed my outlook quite a bit. I’m not expecting baby to come on August 2, I’m not expecting that he’ll be early, or late. All I want is for him to come when he’s ready and for him to be healthy. Now, will I get frustrated if I’m late? Probably. I don’t want to deal with the doctor telling me he’s huge and I have to be induced. Will I freak out if he’s early and I’m not prepared? Probably. But with the knowledge that there is no way to predict his arrival (other than medical intervention) I just have to hang in there.

It’s different for me this time around. With Izzy I didn’t try any of the natural induction methods until I was overdue. I didn’t want to go walking for fear that she’d show up before she was supposed to. I didn’t want to complain about fatigue and aches because I thought I wasn’t showing my appreciation for the gift that would soon arrive. Conversely, I remember wanting everything 100% ready for her arrival. Her bedroom even had paintings on the walls courtesy of yours truly. And it’s not that I don’t appreciate this little guy, but I feel as though all the preparation became a mental block for me. If I wasn’t done with negotiating a contract at work (final contract signed two days before induction with Izzy) then I wasn’t ready to give birth. This time I want to be ready for the obstacles and challenges that need preparation, but I don’t want to put birth on hold while I make everything perfect. I’m sure it sounds a little silly, especially when it’s not up to be when he arrives, but I’m trying my hardest to accept that he’ll be here whenever. He’ll make his appearance regardless if Izzy’s toys are still sitting in his pack and play, or if I haven’t packed my hospital bag. Maybe he’ll be here August 2 even. All that matters to me is that he will be healthy. 

Am I Overbearing?

We had an absolutely blissful week of vacation in Biddeford Maine. It's one of my favorite places in the world and for the second time I got to enjoy it from a whole new perspective. I watched in amazement as Izzy discovered the beach and the ocean, the rocks and the seaweed. We went up last year, but now that Izzy is super mobile, it was a brand new experience.
I caught a few moments here and there on my iPhone. Viewing the video brings back the excitement and wonder as I hit play over and over. After viewing one of the many videos for probably the millionth time I caught something. On three or four separate occasions you hear my voice warning Izzy to be careful about what she was doing. My fear was that she would fall and get hurt, but there were several times where you hear me calling out to her, cautioning her to "Go Slow!", "Easy!" "Be Careful!". I only noticed it because there's also a clip of my aunt following up my cautionary statements with, "Oh come on, it's a beach."
She's right. It was a beach and my over cautious, borderline over bearing,  frantic warnings weren't making for a more enjoyable experience for anyone. Part of me wants to blame pregnancy hormones for my anxiety and constant direction to Izzy. (Seriously, I'm starting to think I've been touched by the crazy preggo fairies. I had to sit behind my husband while he drove to Maine so I didn't drive him crazy.)
But really I know it's part of my personality. I've always been super cautious, and now I'm scarred from the seeing Izzy get a few bumps or bruises along the way. With laser like focus I hone in on any obstacle that could be in her way, adeptly moving it from her path or guiding her around it. I see scraped knees from hidden rocks and sea glass when most people see a beach. I see choking hazards, when others think wouldn't it be nice to give Izzy this tiny piece of candy. Yes, it's part of my job to protect her, and to watch out for her. But when does it become over protective and over bearing?
For me the video is proof that I need to "relax" as my super mellow husband would say. At first I was upset that I ruined these precious moments on camera by picking on myself and looking at the negative. Now I'm glad that I noticed because I can be cognizant that I go a little overboard, and hopefully reign it in. The videos can still bring the same amount of joy, watching Izzy with an ear to ear grin as she dances in the sand and splashes in the ocean can't be altered. And noting that I need to tone it down is kind of a gift.