Work life balance struggles

Lately I've really been struggling to determine what it is I want out of my career. I love parts of my job, but I don't know that there's much of a career ahead of me if I continue on this path. There is tremendous change happening in my department and with great change comes great oppotunity. But I feel like I've been immobilized. I can't move forward because of my impending maternity leave. I'm going out in 3 months and it's become an obstacle for me. I can't see past it. I know that I'll be out for 12 weeks, but have no idea what I'm coming back to.
I think any working mom would be concerned about her role and what she was coming back to. In some cases it might be clearer than others. Say if you’re a teacher, you know you’re coming back to a classroom full of kids. In my case, there’s more change in my department than the outfits I try on before going out with my friends. There have been so many signs that I’m not being considered for roles because I’m pregnant. Not because I’m not capable. And that’s really starting to get to me. I can’t prove any of it, so a discrimination case is out of consideration. Here are some examples and you can judge if I’m just “reading too much” into things.

1. When I approached my boss about the possibility of working part time when I first come back, just until I get used to managing a household with two kids, he responded quickly that he’d have to find other work for me. The conversation quickly shifted to hesitancy about the possibility because he wants someone to be there for him full time. I get it, but finding someone to start doing my role is not an option for me. So I feel like my hands are tied, I’m either all in, or part time doing a new job. And I don’t know that I’ll be happy doing less than I do now.
2. On a call that I was not participating in, my boss made some insensitive comment about me and the frequency of my pregnancies. A colleague told me about it, and at first I laughed because it is funny that I’m pregnant and going on leave during the same time of year that I’ve been out before. Let me point out that it’s to everyone’s benefit that I’m going out when I am. I shortened my leave the first time around to be back in time to manage a project. This time around I’m going to be around to manage every project I play a role in with the exception of executing one minor project. So how is it appropriate to A) talk about me when I’m not on a call and B) make jocular remarks about my life plans? After mulling it over I’m really offended that he would even go there. 
3.  Not too long ago my boss started including me again. (I think I’ve written about how disconnected I felt from the team after my most recent successful conference production.) Well, I just found out today that he gave the same project to a colleague of mine. It was developing a tracking method from the base and he didn’t tell me he gave it to her too. Apparently this is a standard operating procedure in a former job of his. I think it’s crap. It’s a waste of my time and hers. What would make sense is to give it to her to begin with because she can run with it while I’m gone.

Other examples come every day but I just don’t have time to record it all. Perhaps I’m just being emotional from hormones? But I have to admit that I’ve got tears in my eyes and it’s not from the wasabi I had with my California role. I work really hard, and I value the work that I get to do. I’ve struggled for 18 months to balance my home life with my work life. Without exception being a mom is my favorite job, but I’ve spent 18 months working really hard at both jobs. I feel like if I lose out on a promotion or a good position, than my constant battle to balance both will have been for not. I know I put undue pressure on myself, and I’m just not someone who can just take home a paycheck and be happy. I’ve been working full time for at least 10 years. In every position I’ve grown and taken on new challenges. It’s why I work hard, although the money isn’t bad. I just question if I’ll be happy if I give up this fight to succeed.

Song I'm enjoying right now: Dog Days Are Over  . . . Florence and the Machine