What Running has Taught Me in 2009

Training for distance isn’t just about endurance of the body, it’s strong will of the mind.
When I set out to run a half marathon in 2009, I never imagined the mental journey would be just as arduous as the physical journey. It wasn’t just about musceling up the strength to run the distance. I had to make my mind ready for each work out. And just when I wanted to give in to the mental fatigue and head home, I’d refocus on the end goal.
Running is addictive
When I take too much time off from running pessimism settles in. It becomes difficult to see bright side of any scenario. My self-esteem drops, and I pick fights with my husband. Recently I’ve been struggling to fit in the time to work out. I’ve had two weddings, and several transitions at work to keep me occupied, and it's not the overwhelming amount of items on my todo list that gets me down. It's the fact that I can't find time for my "drug" . . . running. It's as if I go through withdrawal without it. And as soon as I get to run again, the world is a better place. I know I can handle anything that comes my way.
I’ve found a strong community in running
It's been a challenge to find a group I can relate to in my new life. My husband and I moved to a new town when we got married two years ago. We were able to maintain old friendships, but neither of us found it easy to make new friends in our town. I was also struggling to find friends at work because everyone was older than me. Things changed when I really started to focus on running. Word got out at work that I was running a half marathon and "runners" came out of the woodwork to offer support and advice. It's so uplifting to know that people are really interested in my goals. This summer I coordinated a group from work to paticipate in a 5k fundraiser. One of my colleagues, my running mentor, hauled out of bed early, the morning after her 20 year high school reunion, just to be there. She decided to just take pictures and didn't plan to run, but I found myself at mile 2 running along side her. She pushed me all the way till the end. I didn't know I could run at that pace.
I'm capable of more
I didn't fall apart after the half marathon. I took a long time to recuperate, sure. But it didn't leave me never wanting to run again. And I know that I can do it again, and if training goes well, run faster next time. I'm even planning to run a marathon next December. In fact, a few friends plan to tackle the Ragnar relay and the Vegas Marathon. This time around I'll know when I can push harder, and have a community of support to accomplish it.

Frustrated

In my basement there is a bag full if sand suspended by chains, and I can't wait to strap on some gloves and beat the crap out of it. Why? Because it's been one if those days. It culminated in me missing my train and finding out that someone stole my umbrella. It's budget planning time and everyone is frantically forecasting in order to meet the Friday deadline. I missed my lunchtime strength routine and since I'm on a late train, I'm not sure I'll get a run in before nightfall. Bah! How does one find the strength to run after a day like today?

Progress

Lately I feel as though I've lost all motivation to run. I completed a major goal and then the urge to move dissapated into a more of an ideal. But I think I'm getting there. Within the past week I've gone running a total of 4 times. Which is 3 more than I had been averaging. I also did two strength training sessions. The fact that I'm less than satisfied with my pace and endurance is the first step in setting up a new goal. I'm back at a 10 min mile, and I can only run straight through 2 miles, but it's a starting point. I'm planning a speed workout for this evening, and hopefull a morning run for tomorrow. The only goal in mind is to just get better. If anyone has some helpful hints for motivation, I'm listening.

Almost there

I have a nice long ride to the city this morning, which means it's time to catch up on the blog. Today I get to do one of my favorite things, site-views. I get to tour meeting spaces, hotels and restaurants to find the perfect location. Manhattan has some awesome venues so I can't wait. Perhaps it's todays objective, but I'm feeling more optimistic than usual.
After last night I didn't think I could be so chipper today.
The dogs were great. Willow and I went for a great walk, but it didn't end so great. We were approximately 2 blocks from the house when another dog escaped from his yard. As he beelined it for Willow I tried to remain calm. I didn't want the animals to feed off my anxiety. Out of no where the other dog turns aggessive. Being the protective dog mom I jumped in between firmly yelling NO! After the owner dragged his dog back to his yard I feverishly checked Willow for marks. I couldn't find anything. Relieved, I told the owner that she was ok. "what about you?" he asked. I didn't even think about me. I wasn't harmed but I wasn't as concerned about me. I just didn't want Willow to associate that dog with others. I don't need two leash aggessive dogs.
She was in good spirits for the rest of the day. We're going back out tonight, this time with lots of treats.
To unwind from the craziness ofthose 30 seconds, I went for a run. I've trying to get a run in during the week, but it's been so hard to work it in. Last night I just went, and it was guilt free. Perhaps that's why today seems so much brighter, despite the impending rain storm.

Training Investment

I've mentioned that I have two dogs. One, a loveable 6 year old lab mix (Dakota) who Joe got from a rescue group when he and I first started dating. The other, Willow, is our 1 year old lab who we got because we thought Dakota needed a friend and I needed a project. Challenge doesn't begin to describe this dog. At times I think I could maintain my fitness level just by running after her. (Or from her.)
Let's take this evening as an example. The minute I get home I go into my pup-carer routine. Up the stairs to change into my 'dog-walking' clothes. It's not so much that I don't want to walk around in business clothes, it's that Willow manages to somehow stain most clothes I wear. I head downstairs and let the monster out of her crate. She's the most adorable pup for the next several minutes as she licks my hand and dives through my legs so that I'll pet her rump. (May not sound like an ideal pet behavior, but it's quiet comical.) Next we head inside to stuff her water-soaked kibble into Kongs (a rubber dog toy that is "indestructable") and then freeze them for the next few meals. As soon as I shut the freezer door, Willow is headed for her leash. She knows it's time for her walk. Lately I've been walking them separately. Dakota has developed mild leash aggression and I have to work one on one with him to fix it. Each dog ends up with a 30 minute walk. Today I couldn't help but be envious of the runners out there. It's PERFECT running weather, and it's such a shame that I am missing it. It was dark by the time Dakota's run/walk was over, and time to cook dinner.
I managed to cram in a training session with Willow before it was her dinner time. And after her dinner, like every other night, she can be found sitting at my feet, barking. She has plenty of "behaviors" that we're working on, but this is the one that drives me crazy. I'm working on my skills to ingore her, but the more I pretend not to hear it, the more my impatient self wants to shout back at her.
This is why we've invested in a dog trianer. This trainer teaches several obedience classes through the town, and Willow and Dakota have each gone. Willow actually passed basic obedience, but still cannot be left in a room alone. So the trainer has come to our house once and identified Willow as a high-anxiety dog. She's given us many of tools, and things to practice. And Joe and I have been really dedicated to training Willow to be a good dog. But sometimes I wonder if my expectations are too high for her. After all she is only 14 months old. I also wonder if it's possible to combat her "high-anxiety" nature. After 10 days of following the tips and tools from the trainer, I've seen a little change. On Saturday the trainer comes back, and I have two huge concerns. 1) Willow won't demonstrate how much she's learned. 2) The trainer will want us to do even more with Willow. Sometimes I fear that training this pup could be a full time job.
I know it's all a matter of hardwork, dedication and time. I'll keep you updated.

2 years

Joe and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary today. My friends and family left us many congratulatory notes on facebook, and we even got a few cards. It was really nice for so many people to take note. Joe and I had planned a nice dinner out so that we could have some alone time from the pups. We were able to let go of the blackberrys and just enjoy each others company. It didn't hurt that the restaurant is my new local favorite, 55 degrees. I've always felt it necessary to celebrate occassions with good food.
These past two years have been amazing. And I'm looking forward to our lifetime together :)

Redirecting

Today has been overwhelming to say the least. Work has thrown some new twists and turns my way, and I'm doing my best to navigate. My fitness has been ignored for so long that I'm afraid I won't make it through a 1 mile run. At home we've just started our pups on a rigorous training routine with an end goal of making the one year more independent. And to top it off my mind only wants to focus on two weddings that are happening in December. Why wouldn't I want to muse about the happiest day in my two favorite people's lives?

My coping strategy for the deluge of every day life, is to take a break. Breaks can be anything from a quick walk to get a coffee or throwing on my headphones and blasting a couple of my favorite songs. The coffee-run served only as a minor distraction, so now my method of choice is blogging. I find that once the words are on the screen I accept the fact that it's OK to be overwhelmed, and I know it'll all work out. See, I feel better already.

Now back to work before the emails pile up!

Summer, Like it Hot

Summer the season may have been here since June, but the hot sticky weather is has just made its appearance. And you will not hear me complain. I happen to love the oppressive low quality air that has made Connecticut its home for the past week. My only complaint is that I haven't taken enough time to enjoy it. While I took a few days off around Independence Day, I haven't taken time off of work to appreciate summer. Work has been very busy, and the pups seem to be more demanding then ever. But this weekend my husband and I dabbled in summer enjoyment. Friday we visited our town beach. While I've made it a point to stay far away from Long Island Sound I found that our little town beach wasn't that bad. I think I may have missed something these past two years.
Saturday we had friends over for a dinner that was grilled to perfection by the hubs. Earlier in the day I had gone on a cleaning binge, which usually leads to the desire to entertain. Why clean the house if you're not going to have company to enjoy it. Joe stumbled across a grilling cook book and put together the menu; Stuffed bell peppers with scallion and horseradish burgers.
Sunday may have been my favorite summer day so far. We took the pups to the lake for a refreshing swim. Not only is it fun to watch them race after a ball floating yards away, but they come home so exhausted. With the one year old, those moments of peace are so few and far between. It was the first time, in a long time, I didn't feel guilty about leaving them while we went off to a friends birthday/pool party.
I'm going for a repeat this weekend. My goal isn't to do what we did this past weekend, but to really enjoy the best parts of summer. I'll head to the farmers market rather then the grocery store. I'll turn the sprinkler on for the pups, maybe even introduce them to the ocean. It might be hot, but summer will be gone before we know it.

I've got a craving

I think it's time to plan my next race. Work couldn't be busier. Both my sister and my best friend are getting married, within two weeks of each other. Which means lots of fun parties leading up to those. Meanwhile, I've been super lazy and can't tell you the date of my last long run. So all this adds up to another race :) another half marathon. It doesn't make a ton of sense, but I need a goal. I always need a goal. I'm thinking the Hartford Half in October. But we shall see. Tomorrow's goal is getting up at 530 for a morning run. I hope I can manage that. Oh and I'm giving up alcohol during the week again. My colleague is training for a Marathon, and she isn't drinking at all. We went to a baseball game, not a single sip of beer did she have. And it was free beer. I admire that. I feel like alcohol really messes me up when it comes to running. So I'm thinking of trying this no alcohol thing.

Willow turned 1!

I'm so disappointed that I left my camera in Connecticut. Willow and I made a trip to Jersey to spend some quality time with my mom. Coincidentally Saturday was Willow's first birthday. The little wild pup that we took home 10 months ago has not missed a beat. She's still running on a full tank of energy and leaves me with little time to rest.
In an inadvertent celebration my mom and I took Willow to the marsh for a swim. My mother's neighbor, also a farmer, let us use his 1/2 mile road to the marsh. Vern takes great care of this road. He ordered truckloads of Conchs from Maryland, drove over them with a tractor for weeks and created a pretty crushed shell walk way. Piles of unused conchs lie along the road as evidence of his work.
As scenic as the stroll to the marsh was, we were assaulted by deer flies. My mom aptly said, "It's like running the gauntlet". With bug spray as our shield we trekked down to a beautiful clearing. Willow's tail wagged her whole body as the excitement of the water overwhelmed her. She looked at me and with a gently whine requested to be unleashed. Once her harness was off, I could not keep her out of the water.
Quickly traversing between right and left, she couldn't choose which way she wanted to explore first. Low tide unveiled deep muck patches that Willow sunk into like quicksand. As she darted after a ball lost to the muck she became entrenched in black sand that left her as dark as Dakota. It was as if someone dipped her in a vat of black paint. The top half of her was golden yellow and drenched with salty water, while her lower half was filthy black. I called to her in the hope she would run through the clean water. Seconds later birds took flight at the sound of my mom's scream. Willow hadn't run through the water, she had darted straight in my mom's direction and shook closely to her, flinging muck onto her white pants.
Willow took another dive into the refreshing marsh, and I giggled as my mom gave me "the eye." The pup galloped in and out of the water for another 20 minutes or so and then trotted over to me to let me know she was tired and ready to go home.
Back at the house we hosed her off, brushed her hair and let her soak up the sun to dry off. She may have been free of muck, but she reeked of swamp. A successful trip, and a happy birthday for Willow bean. The only thing that would have made it better is if Joe was there to share it too.

the break is over

After the half marathon I gave the lazy side of me a chance to hang out. Being someone who always has a plan, I don't let this happen too often. But it was time to reward my determined mind, and very tired body with a break. I didn't work out for nearly a week. With the exception of lifting at my work gym. Instead I spent time at home with my pups, and it was blissful. I typically spend any "me time" feeling guilty and never get to fully enjoy it. But boy did I just let go and relax. Peaceful is a feeling that I seldom experience.
My husband and I planned a trip to Maine, and of course I scheduled activities for every minute of it. And I'm happy to report it went nothing like I planned. We slept in, ate tons of food, and really enjoyed just being lazy. Dakota was off at the inlaws, and Willow was at Camp Bow Wow only 20 minutes away. Joe ran with me one morning, but that was the extent of our exercise.
Now it's time to get back to the real world and to running. I have new goals, and my excitment to pound pavement again is building. Today I have a 4 mile run planned. 1 mile to the high school track, 2 miles of speed/interval training, and 1 mile home.
I hope to run a 20k in mid September, and my goal pace is 9m30s. It may not be realistic, but I don't want to be the slow runner anymore.

family support

I have to say, the only thing that dissappointed me about the half marathon was that my family wasn't there. It was awesome to have Joe there. And really wonderful that Laura ran it too. But as I saw people along the course with signs for their kids or siblings or parents, I ached a little for my own cheering section. Instead my step-mother and father thought it would be a good idea to hold my younger sister's middle school graduation party on the same day. Of all the days in June and July, they chose the half marathon day. Now I could argue that I signed up for it months ago, and let them know about it. And they could argue that they didn't remember it was that day. But in the end, I didn't feel like my family cared that I was attempting a major accomplishment in my life.
Kind, sweet, and loyal Joe was there. He snapped pictures of me. Let me lean on him so that I didn't collapse after the race. He pushed me to drink water, and eat something. I can always count of him. And while he didn't vocalize it, I think he was bothered by the fact that my family wasn't there either.
I did get a few text messages from my family, wishing me luck, or asking me how I did. My dad even called and left a message. I just couldn't bring myself to call him back. My body was exhausted, and I was, admittedly, upset, and I didn't want to ruin the success by thinking about who wasn't physically there to cheer me on.
I'm sure the dissappointment will fade, and eventually I'll understand that I don't need a huge cheering section to be successful. I just need the reliable, and select few (ahem, Joe, Laura, Sarah) to support me.

2:24!

I did it, I ran 13.1 miles. I'm actually a little teary-eyed as I type this. It's something I worked really hard for, and to attain a goal is so fulfilling. Running in general has not come naturally for me, but oh how I love it. Sure this overwhelming sense of accomplishment is peppered with thoughts like, I wish I could have been faster, I wish I trained longer, but overall I'm just happy I did it. And I didn't get the hiccups, not once.

The course was promoted as fast and flat. I'd like to know what elite runner would consider what we did flat. There were several hills, including one that took nearly a mile to level off. I had thought I trained well for the hills, but I don't think I could have prepared for it. I had to walk that last few hills.

The humidity played a role as well. In CT we haven't had the best weather, so I've been running in cool temps and rain most days. Which I can't complain about, I actually prefer to run under cloud cover. But all excuses aside I just ran to finish. AND I DID :)



This is a picture of my best friend Laura and I just after completing it. Well, it was just after I completed the half. She's super fast and had finished several minutes before.

This is Laura and I in front of my favorite ice cream shops of all time, Goodie Basset. For dinner we feasted at Barcelona on tapas and wine. (2006 Melipal Malbec is one of my new favs.)

Some of the songs from my playlist:

Great DJ by the Ting Tings

Dance bailalo . . . Kat Deluna

I like you so much better when you're naked . . . Ida Maria

Whoo! Alright Yeah . . . The rapture

Hook me up . . . The Veronicas

LoveGame . . . Lady Gaga

Single ladies . . . Beyonce

I got you dancing . . . Lady Sovereign

We run this . . . Missy Elliot

So fresh, so clean . . . Outkast

Don't trust me . . . 3OH!3

Thriller . . .MJ

One week

One sign that I'm nervous about something is hiccups. Neverending gut bursting hiccups. For example, weeks before my wedding I had quite a few "to-dos" to check off. I thought I was handling it pretty well until the hiccups came. It's not just a few hiccups, it's a day of hiccups. A few months ago I had a serious conference that I helped coordinate. The weekend before I left I was a mess. I couldn't speak through the episodes because thespasms were so painful.
Now that there is one week to go before the half marathon, I'm anticipating some rough hiccups. I think about the half and my heart starts to motor. My stomach does gymnastics flips and turns, and still no hiccups. I can feel the anxiety building in my chest. I try a few deep breaths but the exhale is more like exasperated sighs. I don't know why I'm so anxious. I know I'll finish. I know my wonderful husband, and best friends will be at the finish line, but the thought of 13 miles makes me dizzy.
Hopefully after a few long runs and solid rest days I'll feel better about everything. You can't cram for this test. You're either ready, or your not. I've run between 20 and 25 miles every week for 8 weeks. Perhaps my body is ready, and that's why the hiccups haven't come. One can hope.

Growing Moss

My pastor and I shared a brief conversation on Sunday. I mentioned wanting a little sunshine. He responded that it had been raining so long that we were all growing moss. Four days later and we've had one day of sun, and the only thing I'm growing is miserable.
When I get into a funk like this, I try hard to be optimistic. I try to keep it to myself and not drag others down. It seems harder then ever to find the positive today. I'm blessed in so many ways. I have an amazing husband who is kind, gentle, supportive, all the best things. I return to a beautiful home every day. Work, while I'm going through a rough transition time is good. The dogs have been relatively easy to care for lately.
But for some reason I'm still overwhelmed by sadness and frustration. I don't know if it's because I want certain outcomes to be realized. I'm not sure if it's the rainy weather and the fact that I haven't enjoyed sunshine since Memorial day weekend. I am going to try and focus on the positives and hope that the sun comes out soon.

Harpoon 5 Miler

Saturday Joe and I made the trek to Boston for our third Harpoon 5 Miler. This year our friends Jeralyn and Bryan joined us. I lept out of bed at 6 am to get ready. (If only I were as excited at 5 am during the week . . .) Joe on the other hand was not as enthused to leave our plush bed. We took 30 minutes to dress in our race garb and off to Boston we went. If it didn't effect the ability to race, I would have taken some sort of calming pill. I wish I could have harnessed the anxious energy for the race. Joe and I talked it over the night before. I told him I wouldn't be competitive about this race. We were just going for a quick run and then some beer. I had been training for distance for the half marathon, not speed. But I couldn't seem to push that Type A personality aside. MUST DO BETTER THAN LAST YEAR.

We had made it to the brewery an hour before the race start a glaring difference from previous years. There were so many more people. That meant great things for the race itself, but I wasn't as excited about it. Registration has sold out for this race within an hour. After gaining the proper approvals from the city of Boston, they reopened registration to allow 500 additional people in. While this meant our friends were able to join us, I didn't realize the ramifications of what 500 extra bodies, and whatever support system that tagged along with them, were for the event. The lines moved quickly for registration. Although it did become increasingly difficult for the four of us to weave amongst other participants without becoming in ensnarled in the mass of runners. Several race-prep methods later and we were standing within view of the start line. The corral for the start was a bit tight, and we were standing next to the walkers sign. Type A began to rear its ugly head and I wanted to push my way through to at least the middle of the cluster. Remembering I came with a group to just have fun I thought better of it. The starting pistol was barely audible and we only knew it was time to run when the mass in front of us trudged onwards. Knowing that I would just take off, Joe gave a quick slap to my bum and I bolted. I dodged as many people as I could until I could find a clearing, my own 3ft space where I could focus without worrying about someone knudging me. I don't like knudgers, if I see your elbow coming into my space, you will be castigated!

The weather was perfect, about 65 degrees with clouds covering the burning sun. The perfect temps gave me more encouragement to push harder. I've been training in cool weather, a PR was in sight. Bryan and Jeralyn had been training for a half marathon so I had no intentions of keeping up with them. Then I thought that I may have passed them at the start. Was it possible that I was out in front of my group? Now not only was a PR in sight, but so was being the leader of my group. At my first split I had run an 8:30 mile. I had never run an 8:30 mile. I decided I would continue to push until mile 2. I knew there was a hill at 2 so I could at least push till then. The hill came and went without difficulty, as I made the turn that took us to the finish line I caught up with Bryan. He and Jeralyn had been out in front all along. A couple taps on the arm, and a wave for him to pick up his pace and run with me got him going. Should I have encouraged him, I asked myself. Seconds later Bryan and I were running together. It was good because I would have no doubt slacked off if he weren't there. With just a 1/2 mile to go Bryan's began the final push to the finish line. I entertained the idea of just letting him go and dropped about 50 feet back. Motivated by my perfect playlist I picked up the pace and started running harder. I ended up finishing 15 seconds behind Bryan with my best pace for this race, 9:12. My best time in a 5 miler felt like such a reward for all the hardwork I've put into training. I was frustrated by the number on the scale, and my lack of confidence, but this was just the boost I needed.

Joe crossed the finish line soon after and we were off in search of the real prize, Harpoon Beer. I was finally able to taste their newest edition, UFO White. Dare I say that it is better then Blue Moon. The four of us had a really good afternoon of beer in the sun. The only downside to the after-party was that the lines for beer were much longer then usual (500 people longer!) and keg bowling wasn't open. There's a lot to be said about bowling a dented half-barrel down an alley into a collection of other kegs.

We topped of the event with a trip to Mike's Pastry in the Northend. You can't be that close to Mike's Pastry and not go. In fact, I've had thoughts of driving to Boston after a delicious meal because there is no better dessert then a chocolate canolli.

Memorial Day Weekend on "The Farm"

We had it planned for weeks. A trip to South Jersey to spend time with my Mom. My sister, her boyfriend, Joe and me and of course the pups ventured to the 'pinelands' just off the coast of south Jersey. We had missed Mother's day with my mom. It was the first Mother's Day that we had missed, but we live hours apart and leaving for a weekend with two dogs is nothing short of a challenge. This was our group effort to make up for it.

Joe and I chose to leave after dark with the hope of avoiding Memorial day weekend traffic, and while we didn't sit bumper to bumper, we struggled to keep the dogs (Willow in particular) calm. We tried out a new net that was to keep a properly behaved dog in the cargo area and out of the back see of our Jeep Cherokee. No such luck. Half way through the trip Willow had enough of her freedom and space and plunged through the net, over the suitcases and boxes, and into my lap in the front seat. Thankfully she was right in time for us to pull off to a rest area. After several attempts, and an additional pit stop, to get her to be safe and comfortable she nestled into my lap in the rear passenger seat. Joe had a lovely suitcase as his navigator in the front passenger seat.

It was midnight before we arrived at "the farm" a.k.a my mother's newest house and adventure. We steered the pups to the backyard by lamplight for their last rest stop of the evening. I had to be cautious not to shine the light on the geese, and lonely duck who were penned in at the corner of the yard. Willow has chased many a fowl, and midnight was no time to wrestle her away from her instincts.

I was up at dawn along with the crowing rooster from the property behind my mother's. As daylight rushed across the lawn, Willow and Dakota spotted their new "toys."

Fortunately the geese and duck were guarded by a wire fence. Although I'm pretty sure one of the geese could have held it's own against the nosey pups. I had to chuckle as it spread it's wings, puffed up it's chest, and hissed at the dogs. Intimidating? Not really.

My sister and I went to pick up breakfast at Frog Hollow. It's a small bakery in an older colonial home that would be out of place anywhere else but here. You can smell the cinnamon and sugar from the road. The best item on the menu is a bag of donuts, your choice of either cinnamon, cinnamon and sugar, or plain. And I didn't feel that guilty about eating them because they're so much smaller then an average donut.

Back at the house, with breakfast and coffee cleaned up, Sarah and Steve got to work on the tile in the bathroom. Joe and I were a bit more reluctant to get any work done. We eventually pitched in, but not before a trip to the beach.

Sadly the trip to the beach was cut short when Joe sliced his big toe open on what could have been a shell, but perhaps it was glass. We were engaged in a game of frisbee when Joe stopped short of catching the frisbee to blurt out obsenities. Within seconds the beach was splattered in red. Fortunately the sea water cleaned out the wound until we got him home to nurse Lilli. (My Mom) She really is a nurse.

While Joe spent time with his feet elevated, Sarah and I put up a new fence for the geese. And we managed to do all this in just one day on the farm. We spent the evening at my aunts house for a surprise dinner. She was ready for us, we just didn't know we were headed there for the night.

Waking up the next morning was much more difficult. After a similar morning to the previous day, I decided I would go for a run. The area is nice and flat, and the shoulder of the road is pretty wide. I knew I had to keep up with my training so I thought I would do 5 or 6 miles on Sunday and perhaps my long run on Monday. After five miles I began to realize that the trees and landmarks were no longer familiar to me. At mile 6 decided I should set a course for home wherever that could be. At 7 I finally passed a familiar landmark and knew it would be another 4 miles before I was home. Once I realized I would be doing 2 more miles then I should be at that point in training I started to pray that someone would come find me. They knew I was a novice and that I should be gone longer then 90 minutes. And at 1 hour and 49 minutes I spotted a surf board on a black jeep, with Connecticut plates. It was my sister. She found me. Wawa was all I could mutter. All I wanted was to get to the convenience store so I could by water or a viatmin water. So after 9.25 miles, I was finally back at home, and had to get ready so we could all go out for an early dinner. That was painful. Even more painful was the wicked sunburn I got from the run because I didn't think I needed sunblock. Note to self, always wear and SPF.

After a wonderful dinner at the Lobster House in Cape May we stopped at another "must-go-to while in Jersey" the Custard Slut. It's really the custard hut, but my cousins dubbed it the slut long ago. I was too tired to finish my ice cream and had to call it an early night.

The next morning we went out to a diner for breakfast. There's a trend here. We did not eat home once. My mom is a phenomenal cook, but the kitchen just isn't ready yet. Sarah and Steve left after breakfast, and I was tasked with cleaning out the chicken coup. There are 11 chicks which are about 3 weeks old. We managed to make it to the beach one more time during our trip, but it got rained out after an hour. I suppose we have a whole summer for beach days. But I don't know when I'll get the chance to go again.

fast-paced weekend - but slow ass running

Weekends are a delicate balance between chores around the house, time with friends and family, and activities with the dogs. There seem to be more hours in the weekend this time around. Last night I managed to walk the dogs, run 5 miles, and spend a fun night out with a good friend. A 3 AM bed time made 830 this morning an awful sight. I had to be up to get Willow to Camp Bow Wow for her interview by 10am. I love their maketing of the interview by the way. After parting with my little girl, I ran errands. After I picked up my contacts, I had just enough time to get dressed and make the 40 minute drive to my Dad and stepmothers house. We were celebrating my sisters 25th bday.(How old that makes me feel will be reserved for a separate post.) Joe stayed home so that he could head back to camp bow wow to pick up the exhausted little monster. I left the party with just enough time to change, feed the dogs, and get to the train station. Now I'm on my way to meet up with Joe in the city. We're celebrating a friend's 30th bday. Yay for another late night. I have to be careful bc tomorrow I need to run 7.7 miles, go to brunch, hang out with the puppy, and then go out to dinner to celebrate Joe's mother retirement after 42 years of work. Wow. Hopefully I can relax in sojo next weekend.

Half Way to the Half

Before I started training, the longest I had run without stopping was a little over 5 miles. And that was a major accomplishment for me. This past week I made it through my 7 mile long run, with a decent pace. What was even better is that I didn't feel the agony of the lengthy run the next day. While I may have only been able to do a 5k two days later, at least I could still do it. And last night I took a kickboxing class for cross training.
And while I'm excited to keep up with a training schedule, I wish other effects would come a little quicker. I'm not gonna lie, I was hoping the new workout routine would lead to a bit of weightloss. Maybe 10 lbs in two months. But I stepped on the scale last night and bursting into tears was the first thing I thought of. Thankfully the scale is located in a crowded gym locker room, and I was conscious of the women eyeing me. I dashed into a bathroom stall and took a few deep breaths to gain control.
Another effect I'd love to see, confidence and a boost to my self-esteem. Last year when I trained for the Harpoon 5 Miler I was so confident that I would cross that finish line, and do it with a better time. It also boosted my self-esteem to see the improvements I had made. With six weeks of training to go, I don't know if I'm going to make it. And perhaps if my self-esteem was improving, gaining a few lbs wouldn't be as big of a deal to me.
While these things may be slow to happen, one benefit I've noticed is that I'm able to just lose myself in running again. It's been a while since I could clear my mind of the problems I'm dealing with and just finish happy. To me the feeling created by clearing my mind for 45 minutes is so uplifting. It helps me to face another day. For now that is my motivation to make it through the next work out.

H1N1 - Really?

I am 100% supportive of precautionary measures to protect oneself from becoming ill. What I don't support is the hysteria that the media is creating. Each media outlet directs people to the CDC website for infromation on swine flu, and information on how to protect yourself. Only after reading what the CDC posted do I feel at-ease. I will not argue that it is regrettable that people have died from the swine flu, and people continue to fall ill. What I find unneccessary are the constant warnings we see every moment of the day. Do not fly, do not use public transportation. Granted our world is much more global now, then it was for the 1968 flu pandemic, and could increase the possibility of spreading infection faster. But being global also helps us get the news out faster, so that people can protect themselves. I had a brief conversation with a coworker who was contemplating a trip to Key West before the outbreak. Now she doubts that she will go. I asked her not to make up her mind until she visited the CDC website so she can see the information I saw. To be fair, she has a 4 year old son, who's immune system isn't the strongest. I could see the fear in her eyes. The fear that her world could be rocked by an illness that has been around for a while.
Again, I don't mean to belittle what is going on. In Mexico, this is a very serious illnees. Not only do citizens have to be nervous they will catch the deadly virus, but they also have to deal with a host of side-effects. For example, restaurants have closed down, and grocery store shelves have been emptied. Schools are closed and parents have to find child care. These are realities the people in Mexico must deal with. But as a Connecticut resident, I'm not sure that this pertains to me. I worked in the restaurant industry for years. I know how important proper hygene is. If you had an itch on your nose, forget it. You could wiggle it all you want, but you could NOT sratch it. I washed my hands so many times that normal people would think us waitresses were OCD. The only thing I think this media hype might be good for is sending the message to wash your hands. It's that simple, wash your hands. And people should do it ALL the time, not just when there is mass messages of the risk of pandemic. Catching some sort of virus is always a risk. And the risk to spread any virus is always real.

James "Jimmy" Baily

Jimmy Baily was my dad's cousin. But he meant much more to so many people.

To do him justice, I want to capture what his students, colleagues, friends and family had to say about him at his wake. His son spoke on his behalf, briefly, he said that while Jimmy was not his father, he always called him Dad. And kindly invited people to their house following the service. Shortly after, a beautiful young woman with dark curly hair captured the attention of the room. She worked with Jimmy, part of his work family. She told us how kind Jimmy was, how he was the man you went to when you had a problem. Jimmy had the stregnth to support his coworkers, and the patience to guide his students.

Four young men came to the front of the room. They had similar stickers on their chests, a picture of Jimmy. The leader got up in front of everyone because, "B would have said get up there and talk about me son." And we laughed. He then told us how he wouldn't be the man he is today if it weren't for B. "Where I'm from, we don't have male role models," he said quietly. B was the male role model for his students. He exemplified how men should act. To be that sort of inspiration in someone's life is nothing short of amazing. He was an inspiration for these boys, and the women in his classes.

There were others who gave the audience greater detail as to who Jimmy was to them. But just as special were the people who didn't speak to everyone. Perhaps because they were overwhelmed with grief. My father was one such person. We shared in a lot of memories with my father because we were there for it, but he shed a little light on the times we weren't there. Like when my Dad was 19 and Jimmy got him his first job. It may have been at a car wash, but it was the first kindness of many that my Dad recollected.

It really pains me to write that he is gone now. That the esophogeal cancer that was discovered just months ago consumed his body. But I try to focus on the fact that he'll never really be gone. He'll live on in my memory as my Dad's best friend. Someone who always made my sister and I laugh. And he'll be in the hearts of so many as a friend, and leader. Someone who taught them to be a man. Someone who gave them the best advice they ever got.

My Mind Isn't Racing When My Body Is

I think the only time my mind isn’t racing is when my body is. Every waking hour my mind is a turbulent whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, anxieties. They all spin around and I worry constantly whether or not things will fall in place or if I’ve done the right thing. I have second thoughts, sometimes third thoughts about actions I've taken, or comments I made. It’s the way I’ve always been. And there is one sure fire way to quiet my mind, it’s exercise.

I used to lose myself through dance, and now that I don’t have that outlet, I run. It’s as if all the energy put into dissecting my every action powers me through miles and distances I didn’t think I could handle. And while I’m running, my mind is so calm. Sure things pop up, but my focus is so strong. The other week I powered through 6.5 miles. I suppose you could say it had been a busy week. When I was finally home, and exhausted, I was able to breathe in calmly, and know things would be alright. Willow’s out of control behavior didn’t get to me. I regained my patience and was able to calm her down.

It's noticable when I haven't taken the time to focus on a workout. I don't know if my husband has figured out the correlation yet, but I think I'm more difficult to deal with if I haven't gone for a run in a few days. I can't communicate without bouncing around to so many different subjects, or I'm just plain mean. I ran yesterday and the day before, and today I feel, as corny as it sounds, so optimistic. I feel like the puppy will calm down someday. I feel that finishing the basement isn't far off. Or maybe a better position at work isn't far off. Hopefully I can keep this feeling up and get through the day ahead.

My Nana

I called my Nana today. It was out of the blue, but I’m sure she expected to hear from me soon. My father’s mom is quite an incredible woman. She’s a devout catholic who pours all of her energy into everything she does. And she has lung cancer. It breaks my heart. Nearly 4 years ago my Papa passed away from myriad health problems. The one time firefighter struggled for the last few years of his life. My Nana was by his side, every step of the way. Even if she hadn’t been a nurse, she still would have been devoted to caring for him. It saddens me now because she doesn’t have someone to support her through chemo and radiation.

She has six children, and each of them visit her frequently. My aunt, who lives in Florida, has been to CT twice since she was diagnosed. That’s two more times then last year. My uncle, who resides in TX, makes visit near monthly. And I know she considers herself blessed that they want to be there for her.

There are a total of fourteen of us grandchildren. The youngest is four, and while he doesn’t understand what’s going on, he loves to visit her. I kick myself for not visiting more often. I’ve been selfish with my time, and I should spend more of it with her. She’s quite the character after all. She’s charitable with her spirit and gives her time to the church. She’s more then crafty with the clothes she’s created. My Nana loves each of her grandchildren and thinks of us all the time. And she certainly is generous with her opinions. Sometimes I think we get her riled up because when she’s adamant about something she breaths fire. That sort of passion isn’t seen in many these days.

While she may take center stage when she defends something she believes in, she never asks for attention. I think I might have to show her a little more attention though. For weeks I’ve been trying to come up with a charity to raise money for when I run the Fairfield Half-Marathon. Running to support a local cancer foundation just might be a way I can show my support for her.

SO TIRED! - Friday, March 13

I’m so tired of being cold, so tired of late trains, so tired of missing workouts, so tired of running on a treadmill, so tired of restricting my diet, and most of all I’m so tired of beating myself up for all the things I don’t do in a day.
A pretty common theme in my blogs is how I can’t seem to find enough time to do everything I want to do. The root of the problem is not that I can’t find the time, it’s that I’m not willing to sacrifice my lazy time. Last night I was in the house by 6pm. The dogs were out, and had been fed by 630pm. And dinner was on the table by 645pm. It’s a lot to accomplish in a little bit of time. But I manage. After dinner my husband and I took the dogs for a walk. Usually it’s a quick pace walk, with a lengthy delay at the park so that the dogs can ‘do their thing’. I thought it made a great warm up for another run on the treadmill at the gym. Rather then work out, Joe and I did some weight training for upper body while we watched TV and stayed home with the dogs. We compromised the gym time for home time, a.k.a. lazy time. The alternative was to head to the gym in the morning.

Guess what? Per the usual, the alarm went off before the sun awoke, and I hit SNOOZE! I changed the time to my normal waking time and just lied there. My husband is the best cuddler on the planet. I try to crawl out of bed, but snuggling him is just so much better then a 630am spin class. A class, by the way, that would have made me late for work. After resetting the time, I just stared at the clock. I watched 10 minutes go by before I dozed off. If I could just push myself for those ten minutes then I could bare suiting up in workout garb and taking the moonlit drive to the gym. That was the third day this week that our ‘plans’ to go to the gym didn’t happen. Joe says “who cares?” It doesn’t bother him that we set the same goal three times and failed miserably. I remember a time when I could get to the gym first thing in the morning. It was when we weren’t married, and I lived at home. I couldn’t snooze the alarm because it would wake everyone up continuously. I had to get up on the first shot. It helped that I didn’t have the temptation of a snuggle bunny lying next to me.

So who cares? Who cares that I work out in the evening instead of the morning? I DO! It’s so important to gain some time at home in the evening. Time to be lazy would be time not to stress. I’m a stress ball in general, but I don’t want to be. I don’t want to stress out about when I’m going to eat dinner because I’ve got to get to the gym. I don’t want to miss out on time with the dogs, and feel bad that they don’t get enough interaction with us. Most importantly, I’d rather spend my waking hours with my hubs, and enjoy his company.

Once again I’m setting a goal to get up and work out in the morning. I plan to start next Monday. There’s nothing I can do about the lack of daylight. There’s nothing I can do about the freezing temperatures. Maybe it’ll even improve the way I eat all day because I’ll have given myself a healthy start for the day. And soon, I may even be able to run outside some of those days. All I know, is if I don’t meet this goal, I’m going to set a back up goal of not beating myself up. I’m going to promote the positive. And maybe I won’t be so tired if I get it out of the way in the morning.

Hopefully a Typical Saturday

Every weekend I am faced with the same decisions, clean the house, take the dogs for a walk, or go for a run. This weekend, I did it all! I wish this was typical for all of my weekends.
Saturday morning started with an awesome walk with Dakota. While we were met with much cooler temperatures then I anticipated, we made it to the town center. We have a new Dunkin' Donuts in the town center, with a lovely fire hydrant right out front. I wrapped one simple loop of Dakota's leash around the hydrant and darted inside. I was a mere 30 ft away, and it was quite entertaining to see people's faces as they hurried past the lone beast. If I had any worries about him, I would not have left him there. Once I came back outside with my bag of two bagels (one for Joe, one for me) he was bouncing with excitement at the sight of the brown paper bag. I quickly shoved it in my bag, and grabbed a $1 bill from my wallet and darted back inside. How could I forget the munchkins? Before you read any further, you should know that I am aware of quality dog food, and how sweets are not good for dogs. But yes, you guessed it, the munchkins were for Dakota, and Willow. A peace offering in exchange for her having to stay home. We climbed the hill towards home. The sun was out, birds were a flutter, it was motivating.
Once home Joe and I enjoyed a few minutes of quiet time in the dining room, and devised a plan of action for the day. Having him home is such a blessing. He's been working non-stop since the first week of January. Not only was it exhausting for him, I found myself struggling to keep up with the house, and the two dogs. By the time I had the chores done on a typical Saturday, I was too exhausted to go running, or to the gym. Not this weekend. Joe helped me around the house, and by 2pm I was out the door for a run. About 6 minutes into the run, I was tempted to turn back. It felt like 35 degrees with the wind, and I didn't want to push myself. But like every other run I start, once I get into it, I can't let myself stop. By the 4th mile I was satisfied. So satisfied that I bragged about my run for the rest of the day. I stayed under 10 min miles, for the 4 miles, and for the last half mile alternated between sprints and walking. Now that may not be a good thing, but it felt right.
I'm still on target for the half marathon. What may only be 4 to 5 miles now, will surely be 13.1 by the time June 28 rolls around. Who knows, if I keep this up, maybe I can do a marathon someday. For now I'm going to take it one day at a time.
This weekend I'm hoping to head to a sports shop that will fit me for sneakers. The dull ache in my knee tells me it's time for new shoes.

Bare My Teeth, or Grin and Bear It?

I have had my fill of frustration over the past few days. Willow is cutting the last of her adult teeth and rather then focus on chewing, she’s decided to make an attempt to become pack leader of the house.

Dakota finally had enough this morning and tossed her around a bit in the backyard. No, we weren’t irresponsible and let it happen. Both Joe and I supervised as they ‘played’ and when it got to be too much, we removed one of them from the situation. Neither of them were hurt, but it became apparent through the growling and sneering that it wasn’t playtime anymore.

Willow and I have been struggling all week. I apply too many human emotions to our fights, and it gets me in trouble. I feel bad disciplining her. I want her to trust me, and want to be around me, and I’m terrified that if I do the wrong thing, we’ll lose the connection forever.

Each night this week we’ve been through a similar routine. I release her from her crate, she bounds for the back slider, but won’t go out until I step out with her. She jumps all over me for a few minutes while I try to body block.

Things get tricky once they’ve devoured their dinners. I have to keep her entertained or she’ll destroy the house. Part of keeping her entertained turns into her trying to bark as loud as she can. With decibels pushing past that of a vacuum, bearing her relentless shouting is one of the most annoying things of the event. I can’t yell back or it will turn into a game. All I can do is pretend it doesn’t bother me. I keep dipping into the patience reserve. And I think I’m to the point where my patience needs a bail out.

Besides her tirade of Ann Coulter like proportions, Willow likes to pretend she’s a police dog and I’m the criminal she’s going to take down. Keep in mind, I NEVER encourage mouthy behavior. I’ve been diligent about making this behavior stop, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t try. The behavior bothers me of course, but more frustrating then a 7 month old puppy hanging on my arm is the fact that everyone is a critic. If I hear one more antidote I may bare my teeth and lunge.

What people don’t understand is I am trying my best, and the last thing I need is another person pointing out the obvious. My favorite so far was a comment along the lines of “you better fix that soon or else you won’t be able to have her around babies.” One, it’s a work in progress, only time will tell how soon she gets it. Two, assigning a deadline is so unreasonable. Forget the fact that babies are a far off ideal. I can’t say, “Willow, by Wednesday at Noon, I need you to stop this habit forever.”

The weekend can’t come fast enough. Both Joe and I will be gone on Saturday, work and baby shower respectively. But at least I can find comfort in the fact that weekends are special for the pups. They get to spend more time running and playing, and I get to relax once they’re good and tired.

Activity for the pups this weekend – Nice long walk on Sunday
Activity for me – Hopefully a nice long run before their nice long walk.

A Second Life - Runner's World Mag

The train ride to work today was different. I put down the crackberry, and buried myself in an article from Runner's World magazine, March. Author Charles Butler captured the amazing journey of Matt Long and his goal to run a marathon after a devasting accident. Tears welled up as I read about a New York Firefighter and triathlete who had nearly been killed by a bus during the illegal transportation strike of 2005.

I won't reveal the story so you can gleam your own meaning from it. But for me it is inspirational to say the least. It's encouraging to read that people who face many more challenges then myself can still accomplish miraculous things.

Finding the motivation to accomplish the little goals I've set has been nothing short of difficult. Work seems to be the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I like my job, and I'd prefer to keep it. Especially during such an economic downturn.

There are several other goals I have for this year, but I just can't seem to focus on them. I'd love to have Willow trained by summer. It would be great to be able to host parties and have guests over again. Sure I take her to class once a week, but it's not enough. It's my goal to work with her for at least 30 minutes a day. We'll just say I'm about 5 days a week shy of that goal.

My other little goal is to keep the house cleaner throughout the week, so that I don't have to have a marathon cleaning day on Saturday. Again, I'm falling short of that goal. Our spare bedroom is one heaping pile of laundry. Clean laundry. I just need to find the time to fold it, and put it away.

The big goal this year is June 28th, a half marathon. Every time I think about it, and how I am behind in the training plan I set forth, I start to hiccup. On Sunday I think I had the hiccups seven times before going to bed with them. For me running has always been something I dared to try. I never expected to run races, or be competitive, but after getting to the 3 mile mark, I wanted to go further, and faster. I've run in a 5 mile race, and I've run up to 6 miles on my own. But I can't seem to get past those numbers. So I started 2009 with this ideal of running (without walking) 13.1 miles at the Fairfield Half Marathon.

We're now two months into 'the new year' I haven't focused on training my dogs, or myself. I've been really hard on myself for it too. I'm one big stressball because nothing is the way I want it to be. And after reading this article, I've realized that my goals aren't unattainable, I've just got to put forth the effort.

the beast on the fridge

Near the end of my first semester in college I came to terms with a 20 lbs weight gain. Determined to shed those pounds my second semester I hit the gym, ate next to nothing, and even posted a picture of a severly overweight woman on our dorm fridge.
I thought by staring obesity in the face, I would back away from the fridge. Leave it's contents alone. That a picture of someone struggling with a weight issue would remind me that I didn't want to become that way. More importantly I didn't want to look that way.
Hanging that picture was succesful in that I didn't touch the fridge. But the negative effects far out-weighed skipping snack time. I started to stay away from the dining hall. I chose to drink coffee or redbull instead of having lunch. I looked at people who had weight issues and pitied them. I couldn't see how detrimental demonizing a picture of an obese woman was for my outlook on weightloss.
When it came time to pack up my freshman dorm room, the picture of the woman was packed away in a box amongst other memories. Several years later, I came across that photo, and I was ashamed. I was ashamed back when I posted it because I thought I was the beast on the fridge. I thought my weight defined who I was. Now I am ashamed that I ever let those thoughts control me. Sure I still have my issues with food and weight, and I'll always be conscious of it. But I think it's grown to be a positive thing. I try to eat well, and work out smart. In a few months I'll attempt my first half marathon. Hopefully I'll have pictures from that to post on the fridge.

4 to 6 weeks

I read on another blog that it takes 4 to 6 weeks for a routine to turn into a habit. It seems like such a long time to finally get used to a routine. I have been trying to change my workout regiment for 5 months now. The first attempt ended in pneumonia, and most recently I strated back at the gym in the mornings, but got slammed by a nasty cold. Learning my less from the bout of pneumonia in 08, I stopped going to the gym altogether. Now it's a few weeks later, life is more calm, and it's time to attempt it again. Going to the gym in the morning makes sense for so many reasons. It's just that time between the alarm clock going off, and me reaching for the snooze button that needs to change.
Does anyone out there have a good method for getting to the gym in the morning?

Competition

So Competitive

I am the most competitive person I know. See, I even have to be the most competitive of the competitive. I don’t know why I’m compelled to try to out-perform everyone. I often find myself trying to accept a friend’s success, trying to be happy for their accomplishment. But rather then be happy for them, I just want to do what they did, and do it better. Take running for example, it’s not my forte. It’s something I used to hate to do. The one year I joined track in high school, we had to jog two laps around the track. Not only could I barely make the first lap, I became a “thrower” so I wouldn’t have to run. Back then, I had no sense of competition. Today, I’m super envious of my friend who has come so far, and made major accomplishments in the past year. How could someone who really got into running a year ago be so much faster then me? I keep telling myself I just have to get to the gym, or get on the road and get back into it. I also remind myself that I added this complication to my life called Willow. I spend any free time I have with her, and it’s exhausting. So now I’m to the point of making excuses, and Willow is my scapegoat. Why can’t I just be happy that my friend has excelled at something and enjoys it? Why do I have to feel like a failure because I’m not as good as someone else?
At conference for work we hosted a great hospitality where people who drive indoor go-karts. I slid around those corners, and slammed the throttle for two hours in an effort to have the top time. I didn’t care who I “rear-ended” or how many black flags I got. I wanted to win. Improvements I made, but in the end the checkered flag was not waving for me. Was I a failure because I couldn’t beat 29 second laps?
Wednesday nights are obedience class nights for Dakota and Willow. Willow has basic first, and I evaluated her to be the worst puppy in class. Why was I even comparing her to the other dogs? Why did I feel that her behavior was a direct reflection of me? Dakota was by far the best dog in his advanced class. It made me feel like I was the best at giving direction to my dog. And at the end of class, when it was revealed that he had gotten less points then another dog, I wanted to pick a fight with the ref! Err . . . expert dog trainer.
It’s a characteristic that intensifies over time. I have only noticed it lately, but I’m glad that I have. I don’t want to be the unsupportive friend, or the super annoying coworker. Or even the overbearing “parent”. I just want to be the best . . .the best that I can be.